Every Little Thing She Does…

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it’s nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your firends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won’t all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it’s good  

Artist: John Mayer Album: Continuum

So deep and so cold
My sex appeal is compromised
My heart is so low
My stomach only shows
As I take it all in and keep it all inside.

The battle scars grow

I don’t feel like a woman
I feel like a thing
No oomph and no sing
Fell

When you crushed me
And stomped all over me
And took me down
Dragged me around
For all your friends to see

Look at her! Look at what she’s become!
Nothing but a lump of crazy scum
Do you see her? Do you hear her?
Nope! I don’t!

Absolutely no way
She vanishes into obscurity
Get her away from me
Get him away from her

Dragging down, down down into the cesspool
of hatred and demise and misery
Where everything lingers
Just a little too long
And smells and stench and odor and foulness of it all
Just lingers a little too long
Deep in the root of my soul

There it is.

Not the supernova but the hole.

Once was the size of a pinhead now an anvil.

You pulled it out of me and made it stay,
AND IT’S HEAVY AS HELL.

That innocent flirt, the curiosity of it all, that spark,
GONE.

The chemistry that is no longer
Just gone with words

Damaging, horrible words

A war of words lash back out
In anger, fear and shame
Lots and lots of shame
FOR NOTHING.

This is nothing.

I felt alive for so long
Progressing, moving
Now I’m stagnant.

THANKS.

Maybe this will help me heal
And get out whatever needs to be done
To get myself back to where I was
Before the writing began. Those HORRIBLE MISERABLE WORDS.

Miserable man.
Made a misery out of a woman.

THANKS.

Still trying to get some closure, some grounding back, replant the roots.
Never stay down for too long, ALWAYS come back sailing with some sea legs left.

Heck I can always swim.

Says a male police officer to a terrified, abused woman, scared out of her wits that her husband will physically harm her.  HE KILLED HER AFTER ALL. SHE LEFT. HE STILL DID THE DEED.

ANOTHER WOMAN KILLED. POLICE WERE INVOLVED FROM THE START.

The police were at her house multiple times prior to this.

The police chief says domestic violence is the department’s number one concern: Well yea now it is!

She was granted an order of protection against her husband last May.

The house just happened to burn down shortly thereafter.

She tried to tell [city] officers many times, and we tried to tell them that her husband was a terrible threat to her. He was a very real threat. And they just didn’t believe her.

That reminds me of a friend who had a restraining order against her soon to be ex-husband, who had an encounter with her RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE POLICE. Did they do anything despite her yelling? HELL NO.

DO THE POLICE BELIEVE HER NOW?

JUST LEAVE. RIGHT!!! What if that’s not an option? Like having kids, or a local shelter that’s booked? I tried to help my friend find an abused women’s shelter in her area and THEY HAD A WAITING LIST.

A waiting list!!

IT TAKES ANOTHER WOMAN TO BE KILLED for the media to talk about this in a 2 minute blurb.

BTW - check out a local news link on this and right next to the story you’ll see the latest data about Brangelina’s twins, even a photo of a large ready to pop celebrity - oooh!

Once again, FUCKING PATHETIC.

Viewing my friend’s photos! HA!  Buy her artwork. The Death Cab for Cutie lyrics are in the other post.

Support the campaign against domestic violence - don’t let another woman get hurt because of a controlling significant other.

Everyone has their breaking point…, originally uploaded by Emmy Taylor (Flawed Emmy, Inc.).

Got home and there they were - my medical records and Xrays. THERE IS A GOD. It’s like there’s a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders, this invisible string that was keeping me from moving ahead and just WONDERING, SCARED SHITLESS, as to if I was going to run into him somewhere and something horrible would happen.

This cuts the string. THANK GOD.

I am so relieved. SO RELIEVED.

I did not do anything to that doctor, I did not harrass him. He can believe whatever he wants. I know who I am and what I do. I am not capable of doing what he accused me of doing. It’s not me, not my nature. It’s the ex-h’s nature, not mine.

Oddly enough during this entire month I got an email from someone on match which totally did not fit the person’s profile. It said something to the effect that this person was a director from a refugee camp and it did not fit the profile at all.

I’m thinking, huh, CASE IN POINT.

I did not do all those things he said I did or could do. I DIDN’T and I COULDN’T. I WOULDN’T. I don’t have the time.  He will realize one day what he’s done and figure things out for himself. I just don’t have to be a part of the trauma anymore. NO MORE.

I AM SO RELIEVED. Maybe I can actually sleep tonight and eat something decent for the first time in weeks. I AM SOOOOO RELIEVED.

I’m having some drama in my life right now and I can’t let the tears out. I haven’t been able to cry for weeks.

I just need a giant hug and this too will pass.

I am not like this all the time just in really stressful moments, the kind where all the life triggers or most of them hit you at once…and then they pass. They always do. That’s why they’re moments.

But right now, in this moment I need a hug. I could use a giant sized bear hug one that’s all encompassing.  

I’m still raw! I’m still so raw!  I just can’t figure out what to do. How on earth can I be accused of something so absolutely horrible?  I have not been sleeping well, eating well. I want to ask WHY? Why on earth would you accuse me of something so absolutely horrible? And to make me sound like a stalker when I’ve been stalked and I KNOW what’s it’s like to be scared of the unknown. But me? What did I do to deserve this?

I started looking into fraudulent activity…have to get a subpoena so I just asked for my emails to be preserved.  I can’t shake this. I’m trying so hard to shake this saying this guy’s just an idiot and he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, but why do I feel so badly about it?

I automatically feel shame. I think about the what ifs = what if he received mail that didn’t come from me? What if it came from the ex-h because he had nothing better to do? Hence the subpoena to get copies of all of my emails…

Then I think about one email that I sent but it wasn’t a threat!!! AT ALL!!!! It was frustration. He kept looking at me ALL THE TIME!  I thought he was being my doctor and didn’t know how to commumnicate but nope. Wrong!!  He sends me the scathing email. JUST SCATHING!  “Fine well now most importantly YOU ACKNOWLEDGE that you know…”

ACKNOWLEDGE!! ACKNOWLEDGE what exactly! I had no idea!!! i acknowledge that I had no idea.  I’ve tried everything to feel better but this one hurts to the core!  Of all the things this world has to offer, I’ve encountered him and I’ve encountered this. 

IT HURTS SO MUCH!! SO MUCH. What did I do to deserve this?  WHY? I can’t shake this awful awful feeling.  WHY would someone even THINK that of me? I thought I was starting to say hey this isn’t me and who cares what you think. I’m me. But then right now I’m still really really upset over this.

 It’s like when D called me a crazy nut after her dog bit mine, twice! I couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth after her Westie Stella bit Max, and I tried to get her away from him while he’s trying to get away from her. I’m yelling at Stella in D’s apartment, telling her to get away, with 2 men also in D’s apt. And I’m the crazy nut?  I’m the crazy one?  I felt shame after that one too, and upset. But why shame? Max didn’t do anything, I didn’t do anything except for being a responsible owner and remove myself and my dog from the situation, protecting both of us.

If I ever pass by the Merch Mart I want to strip one of those banners that represent D’s brand name and replace “StyleMax” with “Stella Bit Max.” I even have a cartoon where the little Westie is chasing my big fatty tissue tumor entrenched 13 yo black beagle mutt.

This is 100 times worse.

WHY???? WHY did you tell me all those horrible things?

I want to cut a vein open and just let it all out.  I’m POURING with sadness, guilt, despair, shame, pain. SO MUCH OF IT.

I feel so horrible. I don’t deserve this and I’m taking it so hard! I’m an adult!  He’s an adult!

I’m so afraid I’m going to run into him somewhere, like in my own neighborhood, my own store, my own health club and he’s going to be awful to me or I will be to him. Part of me just wants to scream, WHY DID YOU DO THIS? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU UNLEASHED? Do you feel better to know that you made me feel absolutely horrible and conflicted? WHAT DID I DO? Why am I doubting myself still? After 3 weeks? I’m so angry and SO SCARED!!  I was really happy before all this started. Now I’m just in this lull. It’s awful. AWFUL!!

I’m so upset. REALLY REALLY UPSET.

Almost every time I’ve called customer service to attempt to get what I need from the ordeal on match I hear break-up songs. Right now it’s Carly Simon singing “I haven’t got time for the pain, I haven’t got room for the pain, I haven’t got need for the pain…”

You know I was so happy, laughing out loud a lot, in a good mood until this crap came up. It’s just crap.  Is this worth it?

From a lawyer:

M.,

My normal rate is $x per hour.  I could reduce this to $y per hour…  To the extent my associate is involved, she would bill at $z per hour….  My associate can handle much of the initial work to effectuate an efficient process for you.  However, I do oversee all activities and thus will bill for my time.

We would also require a retainer.  If we will be seeking to preserve information and demand that the individual cease and desist for now, the retainer would need to be $x.  If we file litigation, it will need to be $y…

I DIDN’T HARRASS THIS MAN!  I SENT HIM 13 EMAILS? THEN 12, then 10, then 8.  I’ve watched those emails go down and down and I still don’t have full record of what he read. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE READ!!!

I don’t know why this came to be the way it is. IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH!!!!

WHY? Why did this happen?

I have no cooperation from match. I get to have them preserve my emails, subpoena to get MY OWN emails sent! MY OWN!

So now I have to hire a lawyer? Another one?

It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. It’s not worth my time.  I just want my medical records and close this!

BUT I CARE! I CARE A LOT.  I feel so horrible. I feel ashamed. AND FOR WHAT? What’s to be ashamed about? He kept looking and looking and I just thought it was crazy. So I made a joke out of it, share the story with friends, then

BAAAMMMM!

He throws a whopper on me. A big spanking hell of a whopper. OUT OF LEFT FIELD!!!

WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD??  I just can’t imagine what was going through his head when he wrote that!

I WISH I KNEW WHAT HE WAS READING!  What set him off to write something like that?

WHY?  IT’S NOT ME!!! THAT’S NOT ME!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HIM, NOT TO ANYONE!!!!

WHY?

The only investigation I can make is the psycho ex-h. He’s pulled so much crap online…sometimes I want to get enough proof to get him permanently committed to a mental institution. He’s whacked! So whacked. I don’t think he’s EVER going to get that I made a mistake marrying him - a huge one! So now my punishment is to have him lurking EVERYWHERE, ALL OVER THE NET, getting into mischief, that’s what it is - criminal mischief.  SO NUTS!! 

I am MORE afraid of the bullshit he’ll pull online then anything else. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?  LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!!

I feel bad because I’m afraid my ex-h unleashed his wrath on this man. He’s done it before. He’s done it to my family. He’s cyberstalked me for the past 5 years. Why should I be surprised?

It’s the unknown. I can’t stand it! I just want this closed and it’s just out there…wide open….heart pouring out, just so awful! 

I haven’t got time for the pain but just when I think I can write it off it’s back to haunt me.

I haven’t got time for the pain, I haven’t got need for the pain, I haven’t got room for the pain…

The aspens were just changing color, I could look up and see them. Then I was driving in a car and realized I wasn’t where I thought I was. I was in Vail. It was gorgeous out, sunny, warm, typical Colorado early fall day. Even smelled Colorado fall. So nice.  I was very happy to be there. So much better than the crap I’ve been dealing with lately, this match thing, the S. thing. Just sucks.

This was so nice.